APRIL 11TH & SIX LITTLE WORDS

Well, If this isn't a day of note, I don't know what possibly could be. While talking on skype today, Glen apologized for not being about to bring this up in person, but explaining that he couldn't possibly wait until we see each other again in August, he simply said, "I think we should get married." I promptly burst into sobs, heartily agreed and melted into those six little words that have changed my life forever. When he said, "I love you, Baby" no words have ever rung more true in my heart. Every day of 2010 has been exciting and looks like that's not gonna change! WOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!

THIS ONE'S FOR GLEN

I’ve been back in Canada one month. Why does it seem so much longer? I have been happy since my return which causes me to question my relationship. Why should I be so happy when facing a five (now four) month separation from my dear wonderful Glen. Yet, I know I am exactly where I need to be right now. Something fundamental in me has shifted—I am calmer than I have ever been doing a production job and I am facing the future full of excitement rather than fear. I need time on my own before I move into my final commitment to Glen. This is my transition time from living alone in Toronto to living in a long term committed relationship with Glen somewhere in the world. After all these years of being single, I no longer have to face life alone. I have started reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and there could not be a more perfect book for me right now! Sometimes the parallels of her relationship with a foreigner cut very close to the bone.

I drove to Michigan over the Easter weekend. That long boring drive down the 401 Highway always gives me great thinking time. Without being able to tune into CBC radio along the way—when Toronto reception gets bad, it’s on to the London station and then to Windsor—the drive would be unbearable. Yet, there are also times when I turn it off and simply think. I heard a woman on the radio quote her late husband as having said. “You can say ‘I can’ or ‘I can’t’. Either is true.” Talk about words to carry me into the future!

My thoughts are scattered—little snippets of thoughts about the future—love, work, and returning to life in South Africa.. How does one reinvent oneself at age 55??? Yet, the stepping stones are falling into place: Glen is divorced (a fact that continues to sink in); we submitted Glen’s application for Canadian residency; I can get my life partner visa when I return to Joburg; the Emmarentia house is up for sale. All this upheaval makes me look forward with great happiness and expectation to CHANGE. What an exciting time!!!

EUPHORIA!

On Wednesday, deep asleep in the early morning post-daylight-savings-time darkness, I was startled awake by the phone. My first thought was, “Oh no, something’s happened to Dad.” Then, I realized that Dad’s gone—but for so long, I’d been expecting that call that it’s still programmed in me three years later.

Fortunately, this was good news. There was a sweet South African accent on the end of the line calling to say that the real estate agent, who’d just been round, is fully confident that she could sell the Emmarentia house quickly at the right price! I could hear the joy in Glen’s voice as he said, “She gets my price and I’m outta here!” EUPHORIA!! After two months of slogging awake in the cursed house, could it all be over so easily?! The news just gets better: it would pull Glen out of the debt that his divorce has left him saddled with, we don’t have to live in the house he shared with his ex and the BEST news was the agent recommended against doing the extensive repairs! She mentioned that any buyer will likely gut the house. I just hope she doesn’t show the house during one of the classic Joburg downpours. There’s no telling where the roof might spring a new leak!

Simone, the estate agent, explained that the mosque in our neighbourhood has made our area hot in a relatively slow market. Muslim families who want to settle in for the long term are anxious to buy in Emmarentia. Property values drop just a few streets further away as they are too far from the mosque. We have already seen the benefits of the Muslim influx in our little local shopping area: there’s a fantastic spice shop, a halal butcher as well as a great Turkish housewares store.

I was surprised at just how open Glen was to letting go of the house. He’ll miss his large high-ceiling office with French doors opening to the patio that overlooks the pool, but not much else. I kept saying that the house was too big for the two of us—it needs a family to fill it. Glen thought it was fine, but now that he’s been alone in it for nearly two weeks, he agrees. More importantly, Glen is very open to change. As he mentioned, selling this house coupled with applying for Canadian residency opens all sorts of possibilities for our future……

2010 has been a whirlwind thus far: we moved into the Emmarentia house in January, Glen was divorced in February, I returned to Canada in March and the house is now up for sale! I LOVE this pace!

Two Countries, Two Lives

It's 6 am in Toronto on Monday morning and I start my new production job today. The challenge: let's shoot 10 hours of television in 6 weeks. I've done it before. I'll do it again. What astonishes me, though, is how simple and easy the transition is from one corner of the planet to the other. I arrived home on Friday afternoon after flying for 20 hours, stopped to get a few groceries on my way home from the airport and-- wham!, there I was as back in Toronto as if I'd never left.Air travel still astounds me! I have always dreamed of travelling more slowly by taking a ship to cross the ocean-- spending seven days instead of seven hours to travel from North America to Europe. I have wanted to really feel the distance, to see nothing but the vast ocean for days, to do nothing but read and think of our predecessors who took a month or longetr to make the same journey.

I am so acutely aware of my two lives: Joburg is happily focused around my relationship with Glen. We do most things together from the most mundane chores and errands to the really fun stuff like travel, movies and theatre. Here in Toronto, my social life is abuzz. I have been home one weekend and have already been out for dinner twice with friends and to a beautiful and moving French film about the plight of illegal immigrants in that country entitled, Welcome. Next weekend is already booked-- a housewarming and Sunday brunch. I feel totally comfortable with both lives and both worlds. I am not sure I am able or even want to choose one over the other. Yet, I want and need BOTH-- Glen is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with yet I need the charm wit quirks and liveliness of my dear friends. Eish! Have I just seen my bi-country future?

We do things three times in Africa

Yesterday, the kitchen was painted for the third time and finally, it's been done right. Yet another technician arrived today to fix the lock on the security gate. The count on that on is at least 3 x 3! Full of bravado, he is sure he is the expert who can sort it out. I can overlook the ego if he can just get the damned thing to lock!

I have three workers here today-- the housecleaner, the gardener, and the painter. That also means making sure that there's food here to feed everyone-- I rely heavily on frozen meatpies, lots of bread, tea and Coke-- the workers foods of choice. Although I LOVE always having a clean bathroom and neatly ironed clothes, I do find it mildly uncomfortable when everyone is working here. What am I supposed to be doing? I'm no good at being a lady of leisure. It's a strange situation for a Canadian! Completing my part (as Sponsor) of Glen's Canadian immigration application has kept me busy until now. It taken an inordinate amount of time and that is nearly done but I can't face even looking at it today. However, it will be fantastic to get that process started!

I leave for Canada in three days and that is weighing heavily. I like to just be alone and let it all sink in but instead as soon as the Master Gate Fixer has completed his work, I will likely head out and do three errands in my little car that has been to the mechanic three times!

WHY AM I LEAVING?

Glen wrote in his latest blog, “ Rob leaves in under a week- let me not go there right now, except to say she is leaving at exactly the wrong time (when would be the ‘right” time, I wonder?!).” He's right. Our house has just become inhabitable and the fun creative decorating is beginning. We love searching for exactly the right colour to paint the walls and our strong preferences are remarkably compatible. I splashed out and bought an exquisite raffia wall hanging from Congo that will dominate our front hall transforming what Hermon said was the most “dead” part of the house. Now when people enter our house, they will be greeted by this beautiful abstract work of art. Next to it will be a large black pot that I bought from a Swazi woman who used to sell handmade clay pots, baskets and brooms in a vacant lot in our old Parkmore neighbourhood. I regret that I didn’t buy more things from her. Maybe if we had, she would still be there.

I made a commitment to Glen that I would spend these past two months getting as much of the house sorted as possible and I have done that with great gusto. We are unpacked, settled, a zillion repairs have taken place and we are comfortable. But I also realized that in the past two months there have been literally two or three days where there was no labourer, repairman, cleaner, nor gardener working here. Many days were spent within this compound with only a dash on the bicycle to pick up food for the workers! I need to spread my wings and get reconnected to the bigger world again!

Bank accounts in both countries are depleted, so the simple economic need to work calls me back to Canada. I miss my family and friends and being away certainly teaches one to appreciate those moments of joy with smart, stimulating, witty people. I arrive back in Toronto on a Friday and we have already planned to see an award-winning French film on Sunday evening followed by Chinese food—one of my favourite cheap-and-cheerful meals out.

But there is something much deeper. Until a few weeks ago, we had lived with the underlying tension of Glen’s pending divorce. As it dragged on, it had become as much an element in our relationship as any of the wonderful aspects in our shared life. Now, after three and a half years, it is finally DONE. Glen must still deal with the on-going terrible financial toll it will take on him, but I believe he also needs to let the finality of it sink in. One can think of the whole ordeal as having begun happily almost 30 years ago when he married Eileen. They were together 25 years (the majority of them unhappy) followed by almost 5 years to settled the divorce. Now, it’s finally over. Glen is a profoundly contemplative man. I believe, as he agrees, that he needs time to make his final peace with this protracted event. Last night, we made a blazing fire in the funky old barbeque that’s part of the poolside patio, put our feet up and watched the flames. It is a ritual, usually accompanied by chocolate and 10 year old KWV brandy, that began on our camping trip in Namibia 3 years ago. Our lot is isolated enough and the trees big enough that one could almost imagine being off at some rural cabin. It gave us time to think and chat. Glen revealed that he knows he needs time to deal with the saddest part of divorce—the grief, sense of loss and personal failure. Rarely does he open up like this and I knew he was sharing something deeply private. It was an important moment in our relationship and confirmed for me that I am doing the right thing, So, I will sadly pack my bags in a few days, leaving him alone in this too big house.

But, once my contract is completed, I plan to return here. One thing I asked Glen to promise me is that after this 5 month separation that we will NEVER have a separation this long again. That will be what we will solve when I return.

And, heck, the roof won’t be leaking by then and the veranda walls won’t be falling down. It will be a great place to return to and, most importantly, Glen will be here to greet me.

WHAT WE KEEP LOCKED INSIDE

I haven’t blogged for a while as I kept thinking, How much more do people want to hear about things breaking down in this house? Is it of interest to know hat I have been chasing the insurance company for a week to replace the kitchen ceiling that seems to sag just a little lower each day? (They are to arrive tomorrow and then must repaint the walls freshly painted the day BEFORE the geyser flood.) Who cares that the ridiculously expensive gate lock STILL doesn’t work? Do you want to know how I communicate with the African house painter who only speaks Afrikaans?

The real stuff of life here is the difference between what happens in within the electric fence topped walls of our now comfy home (despite it faults and damage) and what occurs outside them. When the geyser installers let the waterfall cascade through the ceiling, I went to turn off the water main which is located OUTSIDE our walls—couldn’t do it as both the lid and handle had been stolen by the guys who collect scrap metal.

Almost daily, strangers ring the intercom, located outside the front security gate, asking for food, money or clothing. This always throws my bleeding liberal heart into a dilemma. Yesterday, I tried a new approach—when a fellow buzzed asking for money, I asked him “Are you willing to do some work for it?’ He agreed. I asked him to simply sweep the leaves off the driveway—that is, the driveway located OUTSIDE the gates as it is too risky to let strangers into the compound. When I passed him the broom though the fence, he proudly announced that he had an ID document—meaning that he was legal in the country. I am of the “Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” school when it comes to legality in the country as I am barely legal here myself! Also, I am so aware of how people from poorer African countries flood into South Africa with its relative prosperity.

Yet, I wonder was I wrong to ask him to do a bit of work? Should one give simply for the sake of giving? But, I know I gave him more because he was willing to do a simple task for me. It seemed to me to put us on a more equal footing—you do this for me and I’ll do that for you rather than him just begging for money.

Emmarentia, where we live, is a well established middle-class suburb. One could be in almost any middle class suburb anywhere in the world. I love when other cultural elements of this country bump up against us. Nearly daily, there is an older African woman who pushes a very heavy battered shopping cart up our street calling “Meeeeeeeeee”. She’s selling “mielies” which looks like feed corn to me—it’s a staple in the Africam community and one often sees people roasting them in metal drums on the side of the road. It reminds me of when we were shooting an exterior scene for Jozi-H and the director wanted a mielie seller on the side of the road to add authenticity. Well, as the Props Department searched in vain for mielies, all of us whiteys discovered they were out of season! Talk about a culture gap!

South Africa is a country of locks and security—as Glen is quick to point out, security is the number one employer in the private sector. The extent of locks in this place amazes me. We have a BOX of keys that his ex-wife left us, most of which we have no idea what they are! Every room has a lock, closets have locks, many of our windows have individual keys to lock them—but the lock that amazed me the most when I first came to South Africa is the fridge! The fridge and freezer compartments each have locks. We have no idea where they keys are for ours, but just the fact that they are manufactured this way astonishes me. The locks say it all—distrust of one’s domestic workers versus hunger, need and possibly resentment on the part of the domestic workers. Our own fridge reminds me of the inequality in this country.

Glen also has a blog and I have been remiss in letting you know about it. Check it out at:

http://glenchristopher.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/life-begins-at-56/