WHY AM I LEAVING?

Glen wrote in his latest blog, “ Rob leaves in under a week- let me not go there right now, except to say she is leaving at exactly the wrong time (when would be the ‘right” time, I wonder?!).” He's right. Our house has just become inhabitable and the fun creative decorating is beginning. We love searching for exactly the right colour to paint the walls and our strong preferences are remarkably compatible. I splashed out and bought an exquisite raffia wall hanging from Congo that will dominate our front hall transforming what Hermon said was the most “dead” part of the house. Now when people enter our house, they will be greeted by this beautiful abstract work of art. Next to it will be a large black pot that I bought from a Swazi woman who used to sell handmade clay pots, baskets and brooms in a vacant lot in our old Parkmore neighbourhood. I regret that I didn’t buy more things from her. Maybe if we had, she would still be there.

I made a commitment to Glen that I would spend these past two months getting as much of the house sorted as possible and I have done that with great gusto. We are unpacked, settled, a zillion repairs have taken place and we are comfortable. But I also realized that in the past two months there have been literally two or three days where there was no labourer, repairman, cleaner, nor gardener working here. Many days were spent within this compound with only a dash on the bicycle to pick up food for the workers! I need to spread my wings and get reconnected to the bigger world again!

Bank accounts in both countries are depleted, so the simple economic need to work calls me back to Canada. I miss my family and friends and being away certainly teaches one to appreciate those moments of joy with smart, stimulating, witty people. I arrive back in Toronto on a Friday and we have already planned to see an award-winning French film on Sunday evening followed by Chinese food—one of my favourite cheap-and-cheerful meals out.

But there is something much deeper. Until a few weeks ago, we had lived with the underlying tension of Glen’s pending divorce. As it dragged on, it had become as much an element in our relationship as any of the wonderful aspects in our shared life. Now, after three and a half years, it is finally DONE. Glen must still deal with the on-going terrible financial toll it will take on him, but I believe he also needs to let the finality of it sink in. One can think of the whole ordeal as having begun happily almost 30 years ago when he married Eileen. They were together 25 years (the majority of them unhappy) followed by almost 5 years to settled the divorce. Now, it’s finally over. Glen is a profoundly contemplative man. I believe, as he agrees, that he needs time to make his final peace with this protracted event. Last night, we made a blazing fire in the funky old barbeque that’s part of the poolside patio, put our feet up and watched the flames. It is a ritual, usually accompanied by chocolate and 10 year old KWV brandy, that began on our camping trip in Namibia 3 years ago. Our lot is isolated enough and the trees big enough that one could almost imagine being off at some rural cabin. It gave us time to think and chat. Glen revealed that he knows he needs time to deal with the saddest part of divorce—the grief, sense of loss and personal failure. Rarely does he open up like this and I knew he was sharing something deeply private. It was an important moment in our relationship and confirmed for me that I am doing the right thing, So, I will sadly pack my bags in a few days, leaving him alone in this too big house.

But, once my contract is completed, I plan to return here. One thing I asked Glen to promise me is that after this 5 month separation that we will NEVER have a separation this long again. That will be what we will solve when I return.

And, heck, the roof won’t be leaking by then and the veranda walls won’t be falling down. It will be a great place to return to and, most importantly, Glen will be here to greet me.